Growing up with extra weight on my bones was never easy. I let things roll off my back but some of the things people said, intentionally and unintentionally, have added to the weight they were so repulsed by.
For years I've blamed society for how I see myself, and for how I speak to myself. For years I've been explaining to those closest to me that I don't feel connected to my body - as if this body was not supposed to be mine. I blamed everyone else for that feeling. And when it came to new eyes watching my body move in any context, I had already convinced myself of what they were thinking, seeing, and feeling. And again, I blamed society for those thoughts.
And although the way society talked about and presented juicier figures did play a big role in the way I viewed myself, I recently realized that no one else has voiced any ill feelings or actions toward my body - since middle school - but me. In fact, the people in my life have been working overtime to convince me of my body's beauty and that there's nothing wrong with the way I look. And with that realization I see that society is not the critic that matters. Those people who have said hurtful things are not the critics that matter. The problem, and biggest critic I have to battle is myself.
I have critiqued my body to the point of no return, and I've made myself feel unworthy.
As my biggest critic, every week I was working nonstop to finish the article on why I shouldn't be loved, and why my body shouldn't be loved, seen and celebrated. This is why there's no connection between my soul and my body. All I do is tell my body why she shouldn't be, and how she shouldn't be.
With that being said the things I've told myself have carried on into my relationships - preventing me from being my best self in the spaces provided to me because I'm focused on trying to hide or manipulate the parts of me that jiggle a little more than average. And what's crazy is that I knew it was insecurity, but I didn't think I was the cause of that insecurity. I blamed the eye and minds of others. When it was my mind doing all the dirty work.
How do I fix this?
As troubled as some of my relationships are, this is the relationship that needs the most attention right now. I'm not sure how I can make my body feel loved, respected, celebrated, and worthy right now. And I'm not sure how to get rid of the body shamer that has become my mind.
But my dad has always told me, 'the first step is noticing it.' So, I'll sit with this for some time. And when I find out how to love the body I've had no grace for. I'll be back to fill you in on the journey of connecting to the body God so graciously gifted me.